I feel as if my life is full of only mistakes and triumphs that never seem to endure much success. I mean a couple of months ago i had one of the worst days of my young life. I got hit by a semi on the way back home from seeing my god child. Celeste. I don't like to talk about it because i do not want to complain. But i dont remember and it kills me. I wish i did. And i wish that snow storm never occured. My collar bone throbs in pain in my dreams; and all i hear is "are you okay?"
I did not respond until after i could see.
they say i was walking around outside the crash site.
but i dont remember.
Two other semis ran off the road because they could not stop. they would have killed me; but even so from the other semi a was lucky to be breathing.
i surgery put eight screws and two metal plates into my collar bone; and my right hand was crushed. surgery may have to be done on my thumb if it doesnt heal right.
DAMNIT... Why can't i remember?
I am so exhausted from crying and the pain. My oxycodone is gone and my parents won't get my other pain meds filled... i don't get why; but most likely because i don't show them my pain level. crying only shows the weakness i hold.
I lost the college program i had; and for a month i couldn't even go the bathroom by myself. That is a place i never want to be again. My mom and dad had to assist me because both of my arms and hands were immobile.
Those two girls have no idea what pain is. [[brandi and courtney]] [[the ones that are sueing me and faking their injuries from my wreck two and a half years ago]].
My collar bone tore the muscle; the nerves; and almost broke through my skin.
Only one person visited me; and that was only once.
People at school thought i dropped out or i just wasnt coming.
Why did noone call and see if i was okay? Why was i alone with noone to talk to?
If i would have died... would anyone have cared? Because i almost did and noone knew it. I am sick of crying and i am sick of not remembering.
all i want is to know what happened.
how do you walk around and not know it?
i just don 't know. everyone is saying it is a good thing i don't remember because of how traumatic it was.
But damnit... having noone there was worse than the pain. Morphine couldn't cure my physical pain; but it subsided the emotional aspect.
It is hard for me not to go back to the darkest periods of my life.
But those things are only a quick fix.

tears streaming down her face
she just wants to see
through the black lace
but it will never be known to me
and that is what hurts the most
not knowing anything beyond
the hospitals bed post
i wish that day i would have been gone....................

okay. now tears are streaming and convulsions are setting in so i will call it a night and probably delete this inthe morning.